having had my heart broken by someone else several months prior, i was still in that tender state where vindication and having the last word still hold a certain importance. i’m simply afraid i can’t ever and don’t want to ever be in another relationship ever again as long as i live. but he was so NICE and as much as i tried to push him away, he somehow manage to gain my trust. this one guy whose honor i defended to my friends, and occasionally to my family because they thought that it was way too soon for us to be exclusive.
in any relationship, two people also share a glut of secrets- otherwise, it’s not really a serious relationship. this one was no exception; i told him EVERYTHING and he reciprocated with evidential proofs and lots of assuring words that he is somehow, DIFFERENT. his constant companionship made me feel really safe and protected, and i did not worry that one day shedding my vulnerability wouldbe something i’d regret. the things i shared were embarrassing and disgusting and shameful, and putting that trust in him, and giving that part of me to him, was something that was both easy, and really difficult. it’s deeper than still being incredibly insecure about not having a diploma, or my fear that i’ll never be a good enough person. like anyone else, i deal with things that i often feel are too terrible to share with another human being—ever. but i shucked and buried my skin when i was with him, and there’s no bigger regret than the regret you feel after betraying yourself.
when things started to sour and i knew it was partly my fault, i enjoyed a period of smug satisfaction; that’s what selfish imps do. that's when i tallied up the cons and yes, those were a meatier list than the remaining pros. its true, we were so happy, there was chemistry, lots of good times, we barely fight but when it came down to it, the age difference, the long distance, and the jealousy were issues that weren’t likely to change, nor were they things that had appeared to become less problematic over the course of time. besides that, the NICE had dissipated. the NICE turned to unrequited and unfiltered spite, almost so suddenly that i questioned if it had always been there, but i’d made it my business to ignore certain red flags. we all do that, right? i mean, when you get out of any relationship, be it intimate or one with a risky bet on the stock market, you see the warning signs you did’t see when the romance was thick and blinding. but when certain lines are crossed, though, it becomes extremely and increasingly difficult to recall the person in whom you at one time instilled so much unadulterated faith. its impossible to explain away the hours i’ve spent wondering if i was just plain stupid for believing him. it's impossible to know whether what he felt was love or lust. it's impossible to know if he is just as afraid as i am about commitments. it’s impossible to know anything if he never explain the reason behind his sudden ignorance.
i don’t believe in broken hearts being caused by men, or by women. if anything, we break our own hearts by being careless and wistful and impractical. most recently, he tells me that he'd rather be with his friends and there is no one else. he maintains his silence when i asked if it was over. it’s both the best and the worst thing anyone can say to me. and because if nothing else, i always know where the door is to let myself out.
no... i'm not ready to engage in another tongue lashing episode with you cause why? i am not going to stoop to your level, brewing misunderstandings to feed your ego. things that used to burn me up aren't really a big deal anymore. sure i can put the bitterness behind me, can you? i doubt you can... your temperamental tantrums will only be getting in your way.
sure, i've been told that i am selfish and that i don't consider anyone's feelings but my own. i manipulate people to get what i want and then i leave. i let people down when they need me the most. i use my words to hurt people. i use my anger as a weapon. my tears, like blackmail. my ignorance as an excuse. yes, i can be all of that put together if i am not the sweet, simple girl people have grown to like before. people are never what i think they are either, never as much as what they say they are anyway. but i am sure i have people loving me for who i am... for not being SUPERFICIAL and i hope to stay that way. it's not like i've never told you that I DON"T LIKE YOU to your face before.
well, you can say i'm a great pretender. only because i worry that you will sink into depression if no one actually pay attention to you one way or another (does that mean that i care?) no, simply because i am trying oh-so hard to be neutral and nice and hypocritical. see, i didn't put a knife to your throat and ask you to tell me your issues! macam kawan you pernah cakap dulu... kalau tak suka, jangan kawan. simple eh bukan pimple!
i do not want to be doing this but i am banishing you from my list of friends. it's for your own good, really. when similar childish and what seems like a high school drama happened TWICE, i resigned to fate that we do not have CHEMISTRY together. i shouldn't have buried the hatchet when you suddenly turn 'miss-all-so-nice' towards me a year later. (oh sorry, is that considered name-calling?) i should have known that people like you is not worthy of a friend at all. think on the bright side, now that you don't like me too because of some stupid reason you made up in your mind... i'm sure this will not hurt. i try to be as subtle as possible about this and let sleeping dogs lie.
but then again, i have to celebrate. thank god, i do not have to sit around and listen to your whining and your atrocious ideals and pretend that i'm on your side or even interested to hear any of it. i'm amused that you never even noticed that half the time when you are YAKKING away, i was not even there? and oh, when other people talk about you, i do not have to hold back and said "alah, she's nice in her own way" just because you make me think i am your friend again. honestly, that was the toughest. you know i don't like to lie that is why you perceived that i spoke ill of you when in actual fact, it's the truth. in fact, almost everyone is talking about it.
and for the record, i don't even care if you have my dirty lil secrets as ammunition cause i have plenty of yours too. i will not use it against you don't worry. i'm mean but i am not that mean lah kan. what is the point of talking about the past? rehashing old arguments with others at your own expense...? what has been done can never be undone. just because you can point out other's shortcomings doesn't mean you are flawless, yes? hell no, you are not perfect either. have you look at yourself in the mirror lately?
and with that, i’m going to bed happy and think pure thoughts. good luck with your new friends, if any.
i just saw the latest flick from Pixar, Up, on dvd and i loved it, and while it may not be a masterpiece it left my heart warmer. the opening 10 minutes. the beautiful, mostly dialogue-less courtship of Ellie and Carl Frederiksen is cinema at its finest. it's simple, pure and gets to the heart of what it means to be alive. it almost got me crying. i couldn't tell you the last time i almost tear up in the first 10 minutes of a movie. and yeah, i like balloons and i like bright colors. a lot.
this is how i picture me and my future husband, lying on our backs in the grass, looking up into the blue, blue sky... *roll-eyes*
2012 is basically the mother of all disaster movies, with a fraction of "Poseidon" here, a little "The day after tomorrow" there, a dash of "Independence Day" some "WTC" and a whole lot of "Top Gun"
as the story moves along, the CGI starts from good to poor to stressful repetitive and the melodrama is hysterical with all the american vulgar stereotypes about patriotism and pseudo-morality and religious mambo jumbo -everybody either is a sacrificing saint or a selfish villain and the acting is confined to running and shouting alone - but it does keeps me seated like a zombie with its ludicrous story and vulgar sentimentality because don't we all simply love to see people dying in this age (or maybe i should just go and watch SAW 6)
sometimes when you think about all the chaos in the world today, you can't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't be such a bad idea for nature to flip the switch on us and reboot our existence but first, i must repent cause...the end is near!
i wrote you a poem but i lost my way through the words.
i was either grappling for the right word with the right meaning or stuck reminiscing rekindling the feeling behind the words that i got lost again in daydreams.
i wrote you a poem in my head, i had the words but they wouldn’t flow well or didn’t sound the way i wanted them to sound – sweet, endearing.
instead they came in tumbles and jumbles random senselessness connected in the emotions that made them flutter and fly back to my daydreams and that is why
so i turned the big 28 and have spent the better part of the week celebrating. on sunday i was held at gunpoint to a surprise party at 'fika' with an exceptional star appearance. shocking! thanks girls, i was uber happy with the Swedish meat balls, i am sure to come back for more...
case exhibit (a)
i
ii
iii
the following monday was another surprise dinner cum cake cutting. ironically, i got the same sinful chocolate cake... what are the odds huh?
case exhibit (b)
i felt so blissfully centered and loved. thank you one and all for the early bird specials and the lovely presents - more on that later. and on my actual birthday, (which is today) i am feeling under the weather. gee, i am getting old. i'll probably rot at home under the comforts of my duvet...
1- nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2- totally take back all those times i didn't want to nap when i was younger.
3- is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that i do know, but i deliberately choose not to be friends with?
4- do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? you take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. there was no internet or FAQ's. we just figured it out. today's kids are soft.
5- sometimes, i'll watch a movie that i watched when i was younger and suddenly realize i had no idea what the fuck was going on when i first saw it.
6- i would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring all of that from the carpark to my flat.
7- i think LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "i actually have nothing else to say".
8- can anyone tell me how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
9- what would happen if i hired two private investigators to follow each other?
10- i think obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
11- shirts get dirty. under garments gets dirty. your favourite pair of jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
12- i seriously can't remember the last time i wasn't at least kind of tired.
13- bad decisions make good stories
14- is it just me or do secondary school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
15- why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, i get so incredibly nervous? like, hey i know my name, i know where i'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
16- there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day?
17- can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? i don't want to have to restart my collection. what blue-ray?
18- there's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
19- i hate it when i just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when i immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. what do you do after i didn't answer? drop the phone and die?
20- i hate leaving my house confident and looking HOT and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. what a waste.
21- when i meet a new friend, i'm terrified of mentioning something he/she hasn't already told me but that i have learned from some light internet stalking.
22- i do like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then i realise i only like about five in every fifteen songs?
23- as a driver i hate motorcyclists, as a rider i hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, i hate drivers but no matter what the mode of transportation, i always hate cyclists.
24- sometimes i'll look down at my watch a few consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
25- the term 'shotgun' is rude. it should probably be called unplanned parenthood.
26- ok, i actually keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so i know not to answer when they call.
27- do you ever wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit? i bet they do...
i am not one to sugar-coat my life for the internet, or anyone...
i am so annoyed with bloggers who do that—you know the kind? the people whose lives are perfectly lovely, whose homes are sparklingly spotless, whose husbands are ever so thoughtful, whose lovers are always surprising them with mini-holidays... honestly, they get on my nerves. and yes, darn right i am jealous. but i always wonder if they had intentionally leave out the fights and disagreements amongst themselves? life can't be all butterflies and rainbows innit?
okay, it would be a disservice to myself if i didn’t try to see my own opinions from other people’s perspectives, so let me take a moment to do that: i can certainly see the appeal of living a perfect life, or at least portraying such for the internet. everybody wants good things in their lives- everybody wants their dreams to come true. i don’t know any girl who wants the worst for herself. and though it’s true that nobody’s life really is perfect, I can see why some people fake like it is nice to be perfect. unfortunately, perfection does not exist. at least, not in this realm of the universe.
now, back to the 'stuff' i've been blogging about. my life is not always nice and dandy. i have problems with people around me, i blog about being broke, i blog about the significant other's tryst with a mother of one, i blog about my silly-ness and more. i’m certainly not a perfect person. i try my hardest at everything i do, but if - no, when i inevitably screw something up, i (almost always) let it go. so, if you think it's unethical to be blogging about my disasters, the bitterness in my love life, the people i am dealing with, my queer thoughts... please turn around and never come back.
i've been having a lot of headaches recently about money. weirdly, it's almost a relief to have something so definite to fret about, even if it is something i'd much prefer to have clear and easy and sorted. anyway. this is something i've groused about a lot, i know. but that doesn't mean it ever goes away.
singapore is expensive. as in , you-may-one-day-need-to-sacrifice-a-kidney-in-order-to-pay-your-bills expensive. as such, money runs away very, very fast, even when you're doing nothing more extravagant than living. and i'm feeling this hard right now. and it's freaking me out. it's keeping me awake on most nights. it's making my hair fall out. seriously. the other day, a friend of mine spotted two whole strand of white hair. it's all about the money. either that, or i am getting older next week.
and it doesn't help that most of my friends are making significantly more than i do. having conversations that include phrases like "every month, i'm going to have x amount of money to play with after all the bills" gets painful. or discussions of travel when i know for a fact that i'm going to have to sell an organ on the black market in order to ever leave this country ever again for a decent holiday. ok fine, i can still afford KL, Batam or Tg Pinang but do i need to wait for my CPF money to visit venice? i will be walking on a stick and the gondola ride won't be exciting anymore. hell, i doubt that i can get to blog about it cause no one will be interested to hear a menopausal 56 year old going on a romantic canal ride in venice. at that age, i should be doing my pilgrimage already... insyaallah
listening to that sort of talk when you're not sure if you're going to get all your bills paid is not very uplifting. i know, i am a exaggerating here. i am contented with what i have but i do worry about the disappearing act by the digits in my savings bank account. recently, i had to fork out almost 600 bucks for my income tax, a few more hundreds for my road tax and i have to think like a hundred times over again and again before getting a pair of shoes from aldo.
despite my vices, i do have other commitments and responsibilities better left unsaid. when i heard rumours going around that the management is not giving out any bonus for year end, i totally freaked out. i could use the extra monies. in fact, everyone can use a little surplus right?
it's been a while since i brought my toy out to play so i did last friday. went to meet the girls for a movie at vivocity. (yes, i managed to talk emma into watching the dreaded movie where everyone died) then we head to arab street and met the MILF with her hubster for iftar at Hjh esah. highly recommended for the best 'mee soto' in singapore. finally, we had sheesha at the usual hunt as mr. dad suddenly feel the urge to chase the dragon... it was a fun, fun day out and i was trigger happy. click click*
honestly, wanted so much to watch this cause of sandra bullock. bullock and reynolds are a joy to watch i tell you. they actually click. it's not sexual chemistry but they are super cute together. a veteran of the genre, bullock shows she still can be an endearing america's sweetheart, even if she's no longer quite the girl next door. reynolds has the appropriate good looks, easygoing charm and comic timing to be a natural in this setting.
i love this movie! what can i say, i am a hopeless romantic
right when she found out she was prego, she said "i want a baby shower!" of course, with the recent events, namely ems big wedding and tinketz very, very limited time to plan another party, she didn't think it will materialise as the fasting month is approaching. being the closest girlfriend to her during her peak pregnant stage, (yes, she used me to drive her around for her errands, baby scans and stuff) i managed to asked her again, one on one " so, what about your baby shower qin?" to which she retorted sullenly "no lah, i don't think so... where got time? now, emma is the priority and what's with the reno and all, i guess baby M can do without one lar"
soon after ems wedding, i suddenly got all the energy to put together a decent party for our first tinketz baby. i couldn't care less if it's ems honeymoon period, i appointed ems as my co-party organizer. within two days, we collected all the monies from kind sponsors, sent out invitations and voila! woot woot! thanks to all who were directly or indirectly inconvenienced by us in making this surprise baby shower work- it proved to be a success despite the very, very short notice.
how can we ever forget you darling iqin. have a smooth labour ahead sweetheart.
i have to admit, i am not a big fan of GI Joe cartoons when i was a kid. i walked into the theater knowing that it would either be the worst movie of the year, or a surprisingly decent action movie. like any other action figure based story, you've got the good guys and the bad guys both armed with an assortment of super weapons which are actually kind of cool at certain parts.the subtle humour is at it's best with the perfect timing.
for less than 10 bucks (yes, i try as much as i can not to watch movies on a weekend) you get super-weapons, secret lairs, dastardly villains, gadgets galore and an abundance of explosive action sequences. do take two hours of your precious time for this endless mayhem. i assure you that you will not regret it.
